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09 April 2008 @ 12:09 pm
Life is so shit. I know that sounds like my typical post but I'm seriously beyond caring. I feel so alone at the moment... as in not having a boy there for me, as well as just lonely without friends... yes I realise I have friends, but I feel bad at the moment. I feel like I'm burdening people by always wanting to be around. And as far as the boy one goes.. I feel like I'm always going to be alone. It's becoming painfully obvious to me that the only thing I really want to do in life as far as work goes is totally out of my reach. I mean, I can do it, but I'll never earn enough money to support myself, and who will ever want to be with someone who can't support themself? Let alone the fact that I've started crying at the drop of a hat again. Which, I suppose, is fairly reasonable at the moment all things considered. Everything I think about somehow leads back to thoughts about Dad. Which brings me to most of my problems at the moment. I don't know how to even deal with what's happening with Dad. And I feel guilty that I'm upset over such trivial little other things compared to what's happening to him. I don't know how to even deal with what it's going to mean to me to lose him let alone what it must be like for him facing this. I feel so completely helpless about everything in my life. And I feel pathetic. I wish someone could make this all better, and I know it won't happen. I seriously can't imagine the rest of my life any more. There was always a tiny bit of hope before... but, I mean, I know I'm not the one who's going to die, but I just can't imagine what will happen. I can't imagine it just being Michelle, Mum and I. I can't imagine what it's going to do to Mum and it scares me so badly. She's holding herself together and I'm afraid she's just going to burst soon. And I've never seen Michelle so angry in all my life. Mostly... I just don't want Daddy to die. And now I'm crying again. Great.
stephen141184stephen141184 on April 9th, 2008 11:16 am (UTC)
I'll keep this brief, because no matter what I say you're either a) going to think I'm being fake or b) being a hypocrite or whatever.

I'm sorry to hear things with your Dad don't seem to be too well at the moment. Death's really a daunting thing, because even though we know that one day, it's going to happen to all of us, we never, ever, want to see it happen to the people we really care about.

I guess all that you can do, is make the most of however much time you have left with him, and try to focus on the good times that you've had, rather than dwell on things that are to come.

Your reaction to it all is perfectly natural, he's your Dad afterall.